Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Boss was happily married, and both he and his wife treated me like a daughter. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. The OP should do both. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. The letter writer husband is waving some pretty sizable red flags. The same concerns would translate for a man. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. (Somehow I did survive!). He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? If its my wife is going to a business conference.. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. I am late to this thread but Working Wife, I want you to know that I was in a similar situation when I first married my husband he was excessively concerned with stuff like this, with the subtext that he was afraid I would cheat. But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). Arguments are by turns rewarding, arousing (in the physical arousal sense), angering, and anxiety-provoking. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. Super reasonable! Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. When does his flight land? Would he demand she quit? I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Is he anxious about everything, or just the fact that youre going to vegas? Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? Things to consider!! If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. -03-2022, 0 Comments I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her. Go on the trip. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. He has terrible night vision and shouldnt drive after sundown, and he is absent-minded and tends to forget to eat when hes working. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. This was not such a culture. Thats the issue here. The reality of the place is really NBD. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. My husband was very upset. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. Im so glad to see this response here. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. Your husband is being unreasonable. Theres like 1 hour of down time. Whenever we had a fight he would kowtow me with how everyone agreed with him and had various complaints about me that theyd apparently shared with him but never brought to me. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Exactly. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. Fine with me. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? If you bring consoling up, will he go? For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. That is the problem. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Ment would not. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. Agreeded theres some heavy selection bias in that sample. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). Ah, sorry, didnt say they were the only two choices! It got dark on my (2-hour!) And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. And my husband was completely fine with it. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. If you have time to arrange a therapist, try to meet with several and then pick the one that is the best fit. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. I ate at the bars of a few nice restaurants. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. Two birds one stone! Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. He just says everybody so that it will give weight to his selfish wants. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. A week? Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. rarely cede ground. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. This is a really, really big deal. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. rarely cede ground. Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. Im not diagnosing at all. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Of course shes going to say IM the one with a problem. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. But they definitely need marriage counseling. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. There are some really great desert trails out there! Ha, my team at Exjob traveled all the time (consultants) and they said the only thing good about it was the FF miles and points. Thats an unreasonable stance. Food! First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? He would be excited, even. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. You go on trips, no one lets you go. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. Same here. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. 6. Boundaries we a serious convo. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it.
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