I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Giving my turtle a haircut. 8. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Oh, stop it, will you? This one is a bit tricky for me. The fallout you talk about? Which brings me right back to not understanding why parents do this to themselves and their children. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Yeah Im keen., I honestly never get asked this question as anything other than innocuous small talk. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! Why not? And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. My ILs do this. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Am I? It can be a white lie! I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. I usually just say Im doing laundry. What you are currently doing. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. This comment has clarified a thing for me. They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. Thats just the question it looks like. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. Excellent insight and analysis. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. Are you planning something?. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. K- keep a distance from work. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. E- Enjoying. They also influence how OFTEN. Them (if it was small talk) *moves on to a different topic* My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. Baking a cake. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. Yes! Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? And because family members pitch in. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. Yeah, I do the same. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. not? Weekend is like God's blessing! The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. person: cool yep is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. So I know what youre talking about. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Follow. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. 1. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. I think it depends a lot on context. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Speak to US respectfully. Published on August 6, 2022. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. Eating. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. What is your favourite clip? Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Im really only comfortable with this question in that context from very close friends who I can trust to react well to Thanks, but Im not really up for X. Otherwise, the question makes me feel that Im being manipulated into agreeing to something before I know what it is. Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. Or they may feel social pressure to make conversation in the moment, and dont have any other topic at hand. Me? I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! This is how I deal with it: Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. 1. Flat? I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. . It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. I learned to say Ill see where the weekend takes me, which leaves me open to accept invitations if I want to or to decline to work on Sunday if I dont want to. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. Jana: I'm good. No.. I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. So yeah, I feel that part too. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Im right there with you. Are you busy? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Why? Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! Him: Doing anything else? We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 Have a very happy weekend! Going back to work? That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. Thanks for the invite though!. Why do people ask? I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Me: Nope. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. Texting or sending an email to someone. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. What about you? I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. What are you doing this weekend? I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. 2. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. On the other hand, that was a while ago. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? My Kid: No (shuts door again) N- New adventure. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. "Hi" or "Hello". What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. friend: yep cool etc. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. Thank you! Thats not cool.. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? To be honest, not good. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. You can do it as far as you can. BUT! There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. And I understand many of your points. And I try to be easier on myself for not having the exciting weekends I think I should be having. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. Do you like, like me? I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. Him: You must be doing something. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like.
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